How to Kiss by Rick Lupert
I
Locate someone other than yourself.
Make sure they have lips.
II
Find out if the person you’ve located is agreeable to kissing.
You can do this any way you want, except for asking.
III
Make sure you have your lips with you.
Nothing is more embarrassing than moving to kiss someone
and realizing you’ve left your lips at home or in the car.
Unless you happen to be in the car,
where you can slyly move to adjust the radio,
slapping on your lips during the confusion.
IV
Tell the person their eyes make you want to do gymnastics,
or at least be present where gymnastics are being done.
V
Touch the hand.
Any Hand.
Not your own hand.
VI
Lean your head forward at a slight angle (such as fifteen degrees)
so your foreheads will connect first
as if you’re attempting a Vulcan mind meld.
If your minds actually begin to meld MILK IT.
VII
Slowly re-angle your head so your lips become parallel with his or hers.
Practice this ahead of time using a protractor.
VIII
Allow your lips to make contact with the other lips
BUT DON’T MOVE THEM.
Remain completely still for twenty-eight minutes
or until you hear an electronic beeping
indicating it is time to move to step nine.
This time may vary depending on political climate
and lip gloss.
IX
Repeat steps five through eight.
X
Clear your head
so the only thing you can focus on
is a PBS special on the clitoris.
XI
Begin moving your lips in a slow up and down fashion,
varying with left and right motions every fifteen seconds.
XII
Force your tongue through your subject’s lips and teeth.
Fight past their tongue.
Charge forward until you reach the uvula.
Kissing is just an intimate game of Capture the Uvula.
XIII
Abandon all tenderness
with reckless nibbling
of anything fleshy you encounter.
XIV
Congratulations!
You are now kissing.
XV
Imagine life as a Frenchman.
21 Suggestions for Success.
By H. Jackson Brown Jr.
- Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
- Work at something you enjoy and that’s worthy of your time and talent.
- Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
- Be forgiving of yourself and others.
- Be generous.
- Have a grateful heart.
- Persistence, persistence, persistence.
- Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.
- Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
- Commit yourself to constant improvement.
- Commit yourself to quality.
- Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect.
- Be loyal.
- Be honest.
- Be a self-starter.
- Be decisive even if it means you’ll sometimes be wrong.
- Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.
- Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did.
- Take good care of those you love.
- Don’t do anything that wouldn’t make your Mom proud.
(via smut-to-go)
remember: tattoos are pretty much permanent so be sure to make them very badass because they’re not going anywhere.
(via smut-to-go)
nature is beautiful but remember she is also dangerous. she demands R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body’s deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body’s superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.
Henri Nouwen (via lindeezy) (via fantasyaction)
